Our hope is fleeting, vanishing without a trace...

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Caitlyn, where do I begin with you? You’re such a wonderful, strong, and confident woman. We didn’t start out great when we first met. We had that whole myspace girlfriend/boyfriend thing and I was just a dick to you. Then we broke up from that. A year down the road you wanted me to take your senior portrait and I agreed, but you were still dating Dean. He cheated on you and we all know what happened after that. You still came to me for your photographs we hung out, but didn’t even take your photo. I don’t remember why, I think it may have been because you didn’t think you looked pretty that day even though you always have been. All we did was hang out and I acted like a goof. As the day went on and the sun started to fall we sat in my backyard in the cold talking and being silly. You took my arm and told me to guess what you were write with your finger and if I guessed right I’d get a kiss. Of course I’d play. I couldn’t guess right for the first twenty times, but eventually you gave me a hint and I guess right, you wrote I was adorable if I can remember correctly. We played that game for a while till we just started kissing regardless if I guess right or not. It was such a wonderful night. We went on hanging out almost everyday till I asked you to be my girlfriend on October 11, 2011. When you said yes I got the biggest high of my life higher than any drug could possibly give me. I remember I asked you while we were laying in bed together. You never slept over though besides one time when you slept on my couch while I stayed up till seven in the morning to wake you up for school. I always walked you home whether it was raining and cold. I made sure you got home safe. Eventually you started staying at my house every night. We’d goof off, watch movies, and cuddle till we fell asleep. After a month or so of that you officially moved in. It was so great. I remember you always asking me when I was going to tell you that I loved you and I always said I didn’t know because I didn’t want to be like every guy that is willing to say I love you in the first week of dating. I wanted to make sure I knew. I was terrified when I finally did know, but I told you while laying in bed with you. You started to cry and it was the cutest thing I ever saw. I never made any girl cry by saying I loved them when I use to act like I was in Jr. High. I fell for you Cate I did. After that we went on still being goofy and loving like we had been. In the middle of November we went with your Dad to look at some chihuahua puppies. The next day we bought both the girls that we named Kairi and Ariel. It was perfect we had a little family going on. The babies slept with us at night cuddling right up next to us. December came so fast before I knew it, it was Christmas and I was to poor to buy you anything special. It hurt me that I couldn’t get you anything. We had a rough night on Christmas eve, but we got past it. It was hard being away from you. I was with my family, but one of the most important family members wasn’t with me and that’s you. After Christmas I had enough money to buy you gifts. I bought you new Hello Kitty pj’s and the Harry Potter lego game. It was worth every cent. January came and the girls were getting bigger. You had your dance recital and I was so proud of you. You looked so cute on stage even though you kept saying you messed up, but it didn’t matter because you did a wonderful job anyways. Then February was here now and valentines day was coming up fast. I bought you a happy napper as an early valentines day present. It was the Zebra one you wanted. I always remembered when you first told me you never had a real valentines day. So I gave you the best day I could give you. I made you the dinner you wanted, printed off my favorite photos of you and I, and set up the table with candles. I spread the photos out on the table in front of the candles and put the note I wrote you right in the middle. I had you close your eyes as I walked you from the living room to the dining room. I sat you down and had you open. You got the biggest smile on your face. You picked up the note and asked you could read it now and I said yes. As you read the smile on your face never moved, if possible it probably would have gotten bigger. We ate dinner and played footies. A week after that you said you were bored with what was going on. You saw your ex at the store, you two took a photo together and it crushed me. Just because you didn’t tell me. You also added his number to your phone again. You can’t say you weren’t texting him. I woke you up at three in the morning on a school night freaking out. I regret it, but it happened and I apologized for it. You became my girlfriend, you were suppose to leave him behind. He hurt you in more ways than can possibly be taken back. You told me you were confused and didn’t know what to do. We talked for five hours the next night we made plans. Plan A and B. Plan A was you were going to stay living with me, but hanging out with your friends more and focusing on school even more. B was to move back into your Dads and continue dating me, but giving you space to think and do what you need to do. In both those plans you were suppose to tell Dean that you appreciated that he was trying to be your friend again and that he was trying to change, but you were happy with me and for you to not to be confused he had to go, but instead you didn’t text me till 11:30 telling me that you couldn’t be in a relationship with me. You said it wasn’t just me, you said it was because school, and family. It’s so hard to believe that it wasn’t me. I know you feel like you’re in the middle of a tug of war between Dean and I, but you’ve been with me for six months. You didn’t talk to him that whole time, unless you did and I didn’t know, but there goes my problem of accusing you and being paranoid. I can’t help it though. I don’t want to see you go down that path with him again. I’ve always been sweet to you. I rarely ever fought with you about anything just the stuff that wasn’t safe. I’ve been your anchor for six months Cate. I’ve been in love with you the whole time and my love for you hasn’t decreased. He had so many chances with you. I always saw you two fighting, always breaking up, but you always gave him chances even though he would hurt you. I haven’t hurt you Cate and here we are. You barely have been talking to me and when you do it’s one worded sentences. I know you’re graduating in three months, you want to see your family more, but where do I come in to the picture? Was our six months together so easily forgotten? Cate I’m here for you like Dean wasn’t. I’ve told you I would help you with your schooling. I would go hang out with your family with you. My love for you is crazy. It makes me seem like I’m psychotic, but I promise you I’m not. I care about you more than you can possibly imagine. If only you did you could understand why I have such a hatred for Dean. You told me the stories about him. He’s not healthy and you finally got away and found someone who could support you and be there for you. He’s been trying to figure out a way to get you back all these months. I fear he’s finally figured out how. I’ve played his games Cate. When I was immature I use to act nice to get with the girls I wanted. I’d make them feel like they were the only one. The only reason I know Dean hasn’t changed is because you aren’t the only one he wants Cate. I’m sorry, but you’re not. He talks to more girls than a Rockstar would. He flirts with them, hangs out with them, texts them, but when he talks to you I’m sure he tells you he still loves you and wants another chance. How can you believe or kind of believe someone that isn’t even dedicated to what he wants in life. What I don’t understand is how he could cheat, twice, on someone as wonderful as you. He thinks he’s at the top of the food chain Cate, but I can tell you he’s far from it. If you want to try with him, go for it. It’s going to kill me and I just wish you’d tell me everything instead of hiding. I know it’s not going to happen. If you finally figure out what you want and its not what I want I’m still going to love you and care for you. If Dean is the person you want to try to be with again you’ll probably end up not talking to me and blocking me in every way so I can’t contact you, but the second you realize he’s putting up a front and just using you as a trophy to show off. I’ll be here right down the street from you with open arms. Whatever you do won’t matter, because I can forgive you. You haven’t cheated, hit, or abused me in anyway. Only thing you have done is make my life happier. You may be confused, but it happens life sucks like that. I’m going to work on not bothering you when you want your alone time. I’m trying to stop asking you questions. Half of them I ask you probably don’t even have answers for yet or never will. I’m a guy and I can’t help, but know what’s going on even if it’s annoying you. I love you Caitlyn, I love you so much I would burn this whole world just to have you in my arms. I want to be there to catch all your tears, to help you when life isn’t going your way, I want to grab the sun just to help you find your way in the dark. One day you’ll hopefully understand what I’ve been trying to do. Every time I’ve texted you and messaged you or bugged you was because I don’t want to let go of you without another chance. I deserve it more than anyone. I’ve made it my job to make you feel like you’re the only girl and I’ve meant it all. You are the only girl. I’ve already told you this, but I am getting a tattoo for you. The diamond in my sky is what I’m calling it. I’ve already drawn the tattoo. It has your initials in it and around it there are a bunch of small diamonds to look like stars. I want to show the world what you mean to me so its going right on my hand, the hand you use to hold so tightly as we walked down the street or when we fell asleep. I will forever remember you Cate and if you take me back and give me another chance I won’t have to remember you, because all the memories we’ve made will just be apart of our life together. Your anchor, your love, your poopy jina head. Forever and always Caitlyn, forever. I love you.